he was raised without a proper diagnosis. #life
show, don't tell. growing up can be rough 
sometimes my mother would save me, sometimes not
I came to believe what people said about me
wonder if I would one day "go bad." (know we are capable of it /influenced by spirits)
when younger, if I saw smtg interesting, I might begin to watch &stop speaking entirely
in my own little world
I still like the feeling of lying under thins &having them press on me
humiliated. I would never fit in. why was I alive? (LOL HAHAHAHAH dead so dramatic ).

ultimate test=right action.add?have 2abandon.opportunities,competence &commitment
also assumes that leadership by itself is enough. really make a diff: set new standard .
1st job of leader is to define (operational, forever) mission of institution .goals: temporary
leadership= foul weather job. predictable :chaos; when you depend on, to anticipate it.
innovation : constant renewal. when market grows, you grow, or stay marginal
change; not a threat, but an opportunity. don't look out window, don't see it
true believers: not available part time. you are my life. people who take role srsly, not self.
leader=ex you M says: ok2 get facials. just shut up&live. they see, your life is the example.
if you see, they will. quality of people &demand you make on them. most can learn from
as leader, you are seen /visible, &you have expectations 2fulfill . ppl r easy, got courage?
you are constantly on trial. no longer visible. he needed the challege
listening =not a skill; discipline. willingness to communicate : make self understood 
we either do things to perfection, or we don't do them. ****************************
realize how unimportant u r, 2the task. create vision /don't feel threatened by strength.
high standards: expect to learn. focus -painfully. job to be done.always had to force self .
developing people.. know what is your degenerative tendency ? &counteract it .
we can't afford not to take . task matters, you are the servant .

WRITING DOWN THE BONES. how 2write books r dumb but, helpful? subtract, don't add..
(how long would it take u to start writing sad thoughts? begin stream of consciousness).

an honesty that makes me want to cry. this is the way writing feels when it is good. 
I was in love w lit. wild about it.memorize poems, J Milton, Shelley, Keats aloud&swooned
beg of learning to trust my own mind. if you go deep enough, it will take you everyplace.
with the resolve to write what I knew &to trust &to not look outside myself
using writing as your practice, as way 2help you penetrate yer life &become sane (again).
to do writing practice means to deal ultimately w your whole life. (haha EXHAUSTING).
"write clearly with great honesty" (you make it easy ).
choose your tools carefully, but not so carefully that you get uptight (BAHA no needs !)
energy unobstructed by social politeness /internal censor. not what u think u should feel..
dont stop at the tears; go through to truth. this is the discipline.take shallow thinking &
some days you resist every step of the 3m, but you do it anyway. you practice whether you want to or not. you don't wait around for Inso &a deep desire to run. it'll never happen. but if you run regularly, you train your mind to cut through /ignore resistance. u just do it. &in middle of run, u <3. (life is war till you learn how to resist temptation).
"yer lil will can't do anything. it takes great determination. birds, trees, sky, moon behind u"

4the arms that hold me: <3woke me cryin.how can I help, begged.<3 said: write the book. 
how is it so easy for you to be kind to ppl he asked. cause ppl have not been kind to me
he was supposed to be the 1st male love of your life, you search for him everywhere -dad
you were so afraid of my voice, I decided to be afraid of it too. -mother
she was a rose in the hands of those who had no intention of keeping her
I've had sex she said but I dk what making love feels like. 
if I knew what safety looked like I would've spent less time falling into arms that weren't
the idea that we are so capable of love but still choose to be toxic. (corny)
he guts her w his fingers like he's scraping the inside of a cantaloupe clean. #commodity
how someone can pour  entire soul, blood &energy into some1 without wanting anything
you smell like earth, herbs, gardens; a little more human than the rest of us.
I know I should crumble for better reasons, but have you seen that boy: he brings the sun to its knees every night. (HALLELUJAH FATHER GOD, OWNER OF EVERYTHING).
nothing is safer than the sound of you reading out loud to me -the perfect date.
you might not have been my 1st love but you were the love that made all others irrelevant
you've touched me without even touching me
how do you turn a forest fire like me, so soft I turn into running water
you look like you smell of honey &no pain, let me have a taste of that
means nothing to me if he loves you if he can't do a single wretched thing about it 
how limiting: at such ripe young age I experienced most exhilarating person I've ever met
love is not cruel, we are cruel. love is not a game. we have made a game out of love
the way they leave tells you everything
perhaps I don't deserve nice things, cause I am paying for sins I don't remember
the thing about writing is I can't tell if it's healing or destroying me. lol???
how u love self is how u teach others 2love u (*pronoun immediately shows weakness*)
hair -we are at war with what comes most naturally to us. </3
the thought of birthing poems, opening myself up to conceive, in love /& lust w writing
you split me open in the most honest way there is. 2split a soul open &force me 2write -ty

."life lived on impulse,4pleasure." -review. degenerate enslavement is cool in fake world

you never knew if anything he said was true.
by now there was no male figure in my life to rein in any of this antisocial behavior
I was just euphoric he was there.
since kids can be evil &torment anyone who's in any way different, special students took a beating every recess &lunchtime, I became their self imposed protector.
felt like medicine 2soothe the soul &awaken senses. (he was 12). destined 2misbehave..
remember him teaching me that only unacceptable thing was to tell a lie.
he instantly became my hero, so everything I could do to bolster the solidarity between us was my mission. ( to be loved , 2be loved , to be loved . 2be known /God shaped hole).
all this taking an emo toll on me.. I was alone a lot &starting 2create my own world. I had to be a guy in his own private bubble. I didn't mind it, since I had this space to pretend in.. but, I would scold kitten, for no reason other than to exert power over him. #anycontrol.
every AM, I'd walk through the house &survey the damage. looked like a battlefield.
students would write4 5m &stop, but I coulda written away whole class time (&I did). teach: "u should continue 2write." that was bell that wouldn't stop ringing 4 rest of my life.
so why didn't she wear the glasses? "I really do prefer the world unclear," she said. :)
getting drunk wasn't preferred, but exciting 2feel u didn't know what was going to happen. (like, life is overwhelming sometimes, 
how I saw my life: on these journeys unknown to places in mind, &in physical realm, didn't
*high* just tripping on the shimmer &sparkle of the water &dolphins, &the waves. #LIFE
I was pretty willing to do whatever came my way. I was in a dream, &I loved it.
once again, befriended loneliest, mos unwanted school kids. instant connection 2weirdo
he had a sense of self &a calm about him that were just riveting. def didn't lose interest
doesn't take that much provoking to get you to a place where you can't stop yourself.
madmen who pay more attention to their own world than outside world (#addict lib?)
instinctively knew miracle or manipulating energy &tapping into infinite source of power &harnessing it in a small space was what I was put on this earth to do. #creator #create
like clockwork, 24 hours would not pass without that girl falling under the spell. 
kind of girl I liked - weirdo in bunch. LA ppl try to be diff, she was natural born superfreak
J hated me when I .. I would disappear &not be the most warm &reachable person.
but that initial high is feeling you're doomed to chase for rest of life. (#rat #cheese). at 1st, it showed you heaven, it didn't show you the hell. I'd miss a show, bc I was on the run
2take something diff &original &recognize it's worth &introduce it 2the world. *record co*
it isn't fun anymore, but it's still desperately exciting. learn to love chase /fear /death.
had that capacity 2allow ppl 2go past barriers of their comfort zone w how much they wanted to reveal. I set up those cutoff barriers all the time w my close friends, always reserving 25% in mystery zone. he also had capacity 4forgiveness, he'd never hold ag you
I turned my brain off. I stopped hating &started just being. my whole life spent as most defensive person you'd meet, unable 2tolerate any criticism. but now, listening /being. 
to have that ego &to think you were impenetrable &impervious to forces of nature &life
wasn't that he was chameleon by nature, he jus wouldn't show off all his colors round us
if you see me getting mighty, see me getting high, knock me down, not bigger than life
​at a new time in my life when I was vulnerable &needing to locate my confidence. 
he'd not do what I want him 2.my huge mistake:wanting every1 2react same way. (boring fear). if flea just behaved this way .. but that was a recipe for misery &ruin. 
when you're at odds with yourself, it's hard to create. wouldn't choose to be happy.
J was tolerant, &it did speak well of her character: not type 2abandon ship during crisis
"wake up, bc you dying."those horribly vivid half awake /sleep dreams. (bible God dreams)
she didn't care, she wanted to be loved. #women #theirrole #receiver
minute corporate suits said "no kiss," was the minute I started saying "nope, kiss stays." 
L would go out of way to be there for you as defense mechanism, to avoid his own life.
for a kid like me, who had always been watching after Mom, S entering pic =huge relief.
never understood just how sensitive he was &how hurtful I was capable of being.
r rubin describes sarcasm: "incredibly detrimental form of humor that depresses spirit."
we were emotionally retarded, &that was best we could do at the time. (2004copyright).
​never had chance 2grow out of childish behavior. deserved trouble my girl was giving me

everything I understood even 7h ago's changed, &that I have to learn everything again. lol
&everybody in the bar suddenly seems to be having the same conversation
should I be writing such thoughts? perhaps not. (you're just solidifying bad thoughts !)
those were the words of an entirely diff person - whom I can't even relate to anymore
it's no 1's fault, rly. or mayb it's every1's fault. should be, bc it's every1's problem. !
real ppl r actively trying 2live like fake ppl, so real ppl are no less fake. (compromising..)
mass media causes sexual misdirection: it prompts us to assume there is something profound about having relationships based on witty conversation &intellectual discourse. it's just another gimmick.. actually might be worse, bc.. my witty banter &cerebral discourse is always completely contrived.. at least she thinks she digs me. v soon, I will have nothing more to say, she will feel foolish. perhaps this sounds depressing. that is not my intention, this is all normal. told silence is proof that magic is gone &rela over.
in art not talking never extension of having nothing 2say; not talking always means smtg
pseudo savvy lectures:what I loved about uni. but I still think they were probably wasteful
we need 2worry bout all the entertaining messages ppl consciously accept when 26
wish I could believe that bozo in Coldplay when he tells me stars r yellow. I want fake love. but that's all I want, &that's why I can't have it. (don't love anything more than God !)
who am I ? (or perhaps more accurately) , who else could be me?
ppl have no clue about their genuine nature.everybody wrong bout everything, all the time
my life as a sim. or (perhaps more accurately) my life as my life. (#robots #slaves)
computers make children advance faster, but they also make them think like computers
realism from Sims was worst: hopeless realization I was doomed to live in my own prison
even free people are eternally enslaved by the process of living, (BODY VERSUS GOD)
turns out that computers are the most gutless gosh darn cowards you'll ever meet. ha
why isn't my SimChuck happy? because he's a self absorbed, materialistic prick
Sims suggests buying things makes ppl happy bc it takes their mind off being alive
greatest chasm tween chuck &simchuck is that I don't own a bed &he can't live without
I don't need that kind of luxury in my life. I need love
all the stuff you buy eventually breaks down &creates all these little explosions in your life
lil person on comp /in own mind: both seemed to be doing same shit &neither knew y
NY: they all seemed to take everything much too personally. (ego /"center of world")
producers of Real World weren't sampling youth of USA -were unintentionally creating it. 1 of 7 defined strangers, hoping to rep predefining demographic. at this point, only watch it in hopes of unlocking questions that have haunted man since dawn of civilization. hehe
problem is that hard reality tends to be static. (God never gets tired of making flowers..)
being gay was pretty much their only personality trait. RW validated merits of 1dimension
insist they cast 4 "diversity." but only macro tru. want obvi diversity: physical, sex, econ. what they have no use 4=intellectual D. renaissance woman need not apply. these r ppl that look in mirror &think "I could be ____ guy on show." (reduce self 2label)
they're part of cultural phenom; they never mention how weird 'tis ppl watch them exist
as long as unspoken agreement remains between show &audience: they pretend to be normal, we pretend to believe them; works as both bubblegum sociology &sculptor of human behavior. aesthetic: what we saw was mostly fake, but we agree 2watch as if real
college: 1of things I loved was discovery of ppl who seemed impossible to categorize. <3
I distinctly recall drinking w 2 girls, who discussed their plan to "confront" 3rd roommate about "abrasive" behavior. how did that become norm way to talk? who makes a plan to "confront" pal? RW culture. microcosm/trying 2force others 2recognize their right 2exist. 
"you should be on RW." they're basically saying you're crazy enough to amuse strangers.
all these ppl forever doomed to 1dimensional qualities that made them famous nobodies. idea they could do anything else seems impossible. I could never filter every experience through singular, self conscious indie. yet part of me fears RW's unipersonal approach'll become so central to life that I'll need singular persona just to make convo w w/e media saturated robot I end up marrying. being interesting been replaced by being identifiable. 
yk how historians call ppl who came of age during ww2, "greatest gen;" we'll be the "cool generation." that's all we're good at, &that's all you &your friends seem to aspire to. 
it's almost like desiring Pam A is like admitting that -sexually -you have no creativity.
I am certain that having sex w Marilyn M was 4m of estasy followed by 5h of frustration.
it's even PG 13 in my brain
most I know would rather have sex w 3 of world's most beautiful women than hit .325 career.. diff is admitting that in 1950s meant you were profoundly honest &lil pathetic. in 21st century, still means you're pathetic, but that's considered normal. (sex =god).
interesting in Pam n Tommy.. 1 phrase appears more often than others: "where are we?" question asked over 20x. use this as metaphor for decline of American morality &vapiditiy of modern relationships, they could point out that phrase as illuminating ex of a lost gen. we don't need Pam to know where she is; helps us understand where we are.
I am not father material (or human material). (LOL <3 </3 WRONG)
outcasts may grow up to be novelists
life is rarely about what happened to them; it's mostly about what they think happened.. (lying) dumb bunnies like Clint Mathis will be wrong forever.
perhaps I worshiped Larry bird bc he was a god I could create in my own image. #control
either you're w us or against us, &both of those is better than living w/o a soul (decide !)
Fonzie: unlikely he ever experienced a loving, mutually satisfying, logically advancing relationship. that being case, only 1conclusion to draw: 255 episodes Fonzie was a V. hah
calculated adult coolness; impact of understanding comes later in life, usu at college, &when being "weird" starts 2b interpreted:"charming" & "sexually intriguing." lols so dumb
the desire to be cool is -ultimately -the desire to be rescued. desire to be pulled up by ppl
23 ques I ask every1 I meet in order 2decide if I can rly love them.. (do u swallow pill lol) 
I end up making 2 copies of this album, sending 1 to each woman, all same cover art (comps make this entirely too easy). part of me knows this was diabolical, but I'm mostly struck by fact that all my deepest, most sincere feelings are so totally stereotypical that they pretty much apply to every girl I find even vaguely attractive. (maybe it's more !?)
morn TV: stared at it w the same thoughtless intensity displayed when washing the dryer. I watched it bc it was on TV, which is generally driving force why most watch any. (kill tv).
consumers don't demand it to be good, it just needs to be watchable. (we are boring).
suggests most adolescents r same &exist solely as props 4pop kids. (spot CNN zombies)
never single moment in Saved by the Bell that reflects any kind of concrete authenticity
television is supposed to be reassuring. (make them feeeeeeeeel good. serve meeeee).
but what it did was reestablish everyone's moral reality. (tv raising people).
nothing more true than a cliche
my memory creates illus we were together 24/7. coming/going more norm than should b
but Angela was so much an individual that she wasn't like anyone but herself; she didn't reflect any archetypes. real enough to be interesting, but 2real to be important. <3
it's become cool 2like Star Wars, which actually means it's totally uncool 2like SW. (yup).
must you treat me like a complete stranger, as members of the same civilization ? can I not expect the courtesy of a knowing glance? to them, we're all just a number. they r reminders of how life's wicked, &we are profiles in courage that out them. (see: no eyes).
forced 2read issues Eweekly, which inadvertently recalibrated my perception of existence
they exist in a culture of certainty. they want to believe what they are saying, so much. 
most wretched people in world are those who tell you they like every kind of music "except country." ppl who say that r boorish &pretentious at same time. all it means is they've managed 2figure out most rudimentary rule of pop sociology. (tx bot). they know what makes them "cool," &they hate it bc it speaks 2normies &they hate normies /self.
jus they're not in power. if authenticity is issue, more in twang than talking about theories
for past 25y, culture been obsessed w making males &females more alike. but, what Ive noticed is this convergence has mostly jus prompted female 2adopt worst quality of men. the slut concept, absorbed into gen as double standard wrong, so let's all be sluts.
that v disconnection makes em seem autonomous. not his simplicity that makes him vital. clarity. good@ expressing human condition bc he knows /understands more ppl. 
​distrust the proper people. uber idiotic ppl who believe in front page /all exactly the same.
celeb journalism: new kind of meaningless: either subject's lying, or writer's guessing.
Left Behind: ppl who say goodness isn't even that much of an accomplishment. epitome of cautionary tale; every twist screams @reader 2realize clock's ticking /not 2late. only ppl accepted by God r those classified no intellectual credibility in modern society.
post Rapture: everybody boring would be gone. (HAHA, bots be gone).
there are some things that we're just going to have to wait &see how it happens. <333
K Cameron: former actor who consciously pursued amateurish w hope of saving souls.
there is something undeniably attractive about becoming a born again Christian. I hear atheists say that all the time, although they inevitably make that suggestion in the most insulting way possible: nothing offends me more than those who claim they wish they could become blindly religious bc it would "make everything so simple." ppl who make that argument are trying to convince world they're somehow doomed by own intelligence, &they'd love 2be as stupid as the thoughtless automatons they condescendingly despise.
pretty soon you find yourself in circumstance where someone asks you if you believe life begins at conception &you find yourself changing the subject. situational ethics.. </3
meaningless is not prob 4 reborn. every moment of life matters,that's pretty glamorous.
I respect their verve. they are probably the only people openly fighting against America's insipid Oprah Culture -the pervasive belief system that insists everyone's perspective is valid &that no one can be judged. most ppl I know consciously choose to do bad things. we deserve to be judged. born again can't wait 2be judged. that's why they're cool.
theme is : you're not good enough. another ex of how they're cool: amazingly cocksure.
I have looked directly into eyes of a woman I loved &told her lies 4 no reason, except that those lies would allow me to continue having sex w another woman I cared about less. if I died &found out I was going 2hell, I really couldn't complain. I don't make the rules.

his daily journal.. 642 days
control was something I'd lost a long time ago. my mind would talk to me the whole time
I wasn't really doing anything wrong &it was just for fun &blah, blah, blah ("freedom")
i'm being held captive by some insatiable monster that will not let me stop. all my values, beliefs, everything I care about, they all go away moment.. there is a sort of insanity that takes over. I convince myself &believe v strongly.. tell myself I can go back to casual use.
I mean, I've got it all figured out. rly. (lol..we're not really making "decisions" at all, we r spirits led by good /evil. #unlearn #fallenearth #"backwards" #corrected). there's smtg devastating about that, doe I try not to think about it. I mean, I'm here, but not feeling it. 
my lil sis never failed to point out the delicate flowers or intricately shaped stones as went on walks together. she was so present &filled with wonder. #kidz (childlike joy)
he talked about how until he started.., he had always felt like some alien, diff from every1. "I felt like everyone else had gotten this instruction manual.." (#fam,ily /foundation)
I was just experimenting, rite? (ha. jus a lil gossip /evil. but, we want all the sugar !!!).
more I used, mo' I did things was ashamed of; more I had to go, so I never had 2face that
(thinking comes with a lot of shame, fear, bitterness, bc you're always judging /yourself).
last thing I ever wanted to take from her &yet, well, I did it. that's always how it goes for me, isn't it? (#slave *money from his mom* *dignity from self*)
&there was this sadness inside me -this hopelessness. focusing on my physical appearance was a least easier than trying to address the internal (mess). I could control the external -at least, to a point. i could buy diff clothes, or cut my hair, or w/e. the pit opening up inside me was too frightening to even look at.. I'm powerless to it (#slave).
so what if there's some1up there (in charge)? let's just keep telling me it's all in our minds
it feels like I mean it, but you can never be sure. smoking cigs, jus forcin myself 2be quiet
still, for all the therapy I had, none of it ever really fixed that feeling of torn apartness inside of me. I learned how to express myself that was all. &for whatever reason, identifying the root cause of my problem -like fear of abandonment or something -didn't change a gosh darn thing.. I could see quite clearly why I acted a certain way, but that wouldn't make me any different.. that couldn't take this away. 
I cry at how good my life is -or at least, that's what I think at the time.
there could be a new war going on &I'd have no idea. but, this is the life I want to live, right? I mean, I'm happier. (happy is corny /based on things.. now, contentedness?swag).
&cause no one's looking, I cry a little. there are different ppl battling inside me. (#hell)
after this (things) &that (highs), I kinda blot out the doubts for a while.
I try not to think about it, but you know how that goes. (problem keeps calling.. #God)
I guess I'm still that confused little boy, or is that too simple? (no ! yes !)
asking for money is a proclamation of your own unfitness for survival. it's saying "I'm the weak one of the herd." or worse, a parasite that feeds on society. trying to meet a person's eyes. tricking &begging -that's what's left for me. I'm so gosh darn worn out.
I need a thousand pounds.. I need to drown myself in serotonin. or maybe -maybe - I just need to get sober. my head keeps going around like this. (LOL but like, </3 too).
I think about the possibility of me again.. it feels impossible again. can't shake away fear
​I try to remember -was I happy b4 this? it won't let me think, it tries to tell me I wasn't. maybe that's the truth. (WHO IS IT? a demonic spirit)
everything is heightened, but sickeningly so. I can't tell what is real &what isn't
what I do -I pray from somewhere deep inside me. pray out loud 2God I don't believe in. the words just start coming out. pray w sincerity for 1st time. am desperate. &so I cry &ask God 4help. no flash of light, burning bush, nothing. *calls /goes home* throughout all this, I'm praying. like the voice in my head, the running monologue; has switched over to thoughts of prayer. pls help me -be w me. jus keep repeating it over &over. (YES)
I have to believe that is true.. *later* his voice is irritatingly joyful. (LOL). begin unlearning..
I just hadn't been willing to fight through difficult moments w faith that it would get better
you've got nothing else, man. I pray -I just keep praying. I forget how bad things can get..
I always seem to forget why I needed.. my disease of amnesia. 
can't help feeling I'm jus not cool anymore.. a loser, living so simply. (lol #brainwash #tx)
"living is easy w eyes closed." want to.. so badly. (b careful little eyes what you see.. !)
that's the disease talking. wants to isolate you, to get you alone so it can kill you. 
cray how fast moods change. my head sorta hurts physically from battle going on there.
it's not like I enjoy being so selfish &self absorbed. 
I ask God 2b w me, 2help me hear. I repeat that over &over. it does seem 2help, rly. #gah
it's like I need to kill my body with exercise in order to be calm enough to function
praying helps, tho I can't get thoughts to slow down &stop torturing me w my past. i've come to rely on prayer, ..sun's still up &da heat stifles me to my v core. wish it would rain
all I feel is grateful that I don't have to be so fake &clouded by that (mess).
///freedom from bondage /self. "one day at a time" philosophy /one moment, ABpraying
I was transported into another life, another reality, another character.
I've always thought my mom was beautiful. I don't know, maybe every kid does
falling asleep only after I am so tired that I'm literally nodding out at the keyboard.
my dad &new wife did everything they could to keep their kids protected from all I was exposed to.. I was never my age. I felt so inadequate being trapped in my small, pre body. still not comfortable with my gosh darn self. I don't know if I'll ever be
my mind going nonstop. y did I look at them? y was my 1st response 2seek their approval
why do I always want to become this unfeeling monster, fueled by whatever I can find?
we don't talk about it, but it happens instantly &naturally. I want to sew her to me.
everything I saw seems so clever &I hold the entire audience at complete attention.
stomach pain isn't really anything new for me. growing up, between dad &mom's houses,
the guilt &shame r jus 2unbearable. d even like feeling it gives me. it's actually kinda scary
​honestly, I'm so ashamed around them that I have no choice but to yell angrily. (defense)
it's a relief not to have to lie for once. #freedom #lookyouintheeye/soulsaresame
​I have this feeling, like I just wish I didn't have to exist. idk who I am. "pls, just let me die."
​"right now, you're like a little baby, just learning how to crawl. or maybe even back further, learning to hold your head up. you wouldn't ask a newborn to run a marathon, would u?"
don't you want to be able to really live again (childhood)? idk I answer, &that's the truth. I guess I do, but Im not sure where this clarity comes from. it hits me miraculously.​
​the cold is so deep inside me, I snarl at any1 who tries to talk to me. he was just gentle 
I'm afraid to hope again. decided to try &that is a big step
but underneath that, I can see now, was a deep seated feeling of worthlessness.
really feeling this stuff &memories are jarred loose I'd kept hidden.. the body traps memories of trauma within it. I shake like an animal who escaped from a predator. &sing
he manages to make everything we've been through seem less shameful. helps us love
I have to learn how to really care about myself in order to stay sober /free /present.
people who can't , are the ones who are constitutionally incapable of being honest w self
to discover truths about myself, have helped to move through them; mind isn't so scary
my relationship w .. is 1 aspect of my life haven't completely given over.. still protecting.. 
I realize suddenly very clearly that loving the world, is like loving a black hole. I'm not saying I'm willing to act on that yet, but it is an awareness that I want to share to core.
not changing, but reconnecting w who I really am. someone who has been lost to me for a long time. I am separating from the past life. (holy : set apart).
I have to look@ the ground. ("bod lang" /can't escape God <3)feel so sry -so full of regret
I've had to close myself off to you so I can survive. (freedom, within boundaries)
come 2understand : there's a disease &in flesh, I have addiction to sickness
I want to just collapse I'm feeling so much right now. &what I come to value : simplicity.