BIRD BY BIRD. anne lammott

the no name bar in Sausalito (pretty much)
idea of spending entire days in some1 else's office doing some1 else's work did not suit.
writing taught my father to pay attention (good or bad thing ??)
to be free, artistic, &yet also to be the rare -working class person in charge of her own life
the United States of advertising: too this, too that, you are crucified.
dad wrote disparagingly about the men in the community,their values, materialistic frenzy 
the great tragedy of California: a life oriented to desire is in the end a life oriented to death -the greatest leisure of all. (STUNNING).
I read catcher in the rye for the first time &knew what it was like 2have some1speak4me
accepted being alone quite a lot : this sort often becomes either writer or career criminal.
I believed that what I thought about was different from what other kids thought about.
it was not necessarily more profound, but there was a struggle going on inside me2find
some people wanted to get rich or famous, but my friends &I wanted to get real. deep
cs lewis looking inside himself, found "zoo of lusts, bedlam of ambition, nursery of fears, harem of fondled hatreds"
hope's a revolutionary patience..begins in the dark, stubborn hope 2try 2do the right thing
I didn't give up, largely because of my father's faith in me
I believed that publication would be automatically affirming experience. (easy, fast food).
"wild rose" wendell berry wrote for his wife: sometimes hidden from me /in daily custom &in trust /so that I live by you unaware /as by the beating of my heart /&once again I am blessed, choosing again what I chose before.
I'd thought there was something noble.. about people who could create a world as if they were little gods
good writing is about telling the truth. we are a species that needs &wants to understand who we are. sheep lice do not seem to share this longing.. we have so much to say.. but, telling the truth in an interesting way turns out to be about as easy &pleasurable as bathing a cat. some lose faith. their sense of self shattered. "d even k where to start."
f o'conner : any1 who survived childhood has enough material to write for rest of her life
write down all the stuff you swore you'd never tell another soul. (haha need to confess !)
sit down @app the same time every day. train your unconscious to kick in 4u creatively.
there are voices.. but you hold an imaginary gun to your head &make yourself
u are desperate to.. but you cannot will this to happen. it is a matter of persistence &faith
fear:existential dread /u consider meaningless. but miracle happens:sun comes up again
you can be defeated &disoriented by all these feelings
author makes you notice, makes you pay attention, &this is a great gift.
writing a novel is like driving a car at night. you can see only as far as headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way -el doctorow. bird by bird, her father said.
you can either type or kill yourself. (be willing to suffer, or give up now #life).
Orwellian memos detailing your thought crimes. (liberals, in NAME only #words).
left to its own devices, my mind spends much of its time having conversations w ppl who aren't there. (are we all "schizo" ?? names .. words.. no solutions #ego #label).
it's easier if you believe in God ( :) because it is the truth, surrender ! )
one of the most annoying things about God is that he never just touches you w his magic wand, like Glinda the Good, &gives you what you want. like it would be so much skin off his nose. but he might give you the courage or the stamina..so that you'd learn &you'll see
as if you were somebody you are fond of.. how great perseverance feels. 
2much material &it threatened 2immobilize us. (knowledge= poison 2a spirit."know" less).
they were oblivious, they were like foreigners: fathers. 
the evidence is in, &you are the verdict.
what do we want? peace. when do we want it? now. (haha I can get behind this).
using her child as a prop.. did woman stop using her kid, once she realized what she was doing? no, she didn't, &this tells us even more. she kept at it, long after the war was over.
"I could resent the ocean if I tried" -I love that in a guy. I like for them to have hope
if someone isn't changed, then what is the point of your story ?
spend your day : listening, observing, storing things away, making your isolation pay off.
let characters hold back some thoughts, &at same time, let them detonate little bombs .
you must learn about people from people, not from... what they say. the villain has a heart
you're just the typist. a good typist listens .(rest easy, you're not alone poet.born2b free).
our goal as writers; 2help others have sense of -pls forgive me-wonder.catch us off guard
ecstasy in paying attention: can get into a kind of openness to the world, where you see in everything the essence of holiness, a sign that God is implicit in all of creation. or maybe you are not predisposed to see the world sacramentally.. Philistine scum. (LOL).
if you seek, you will find.
mostly things are not that way, that simple &pure, with so much focus given to each syllable of life as life sings itself. but that kind of attention is the prize. to be engrossed by something outside ourselves is powerful antidote for the rational mind, the mind that so frequently has its head up its own ass -seeing things in such a narrow &darkly narcissistic way that it presents a colo-rectal theology, offering hope to no one. 
telling these truths is your job. 
it is so much easier to embrace absolutes than to suffer reality.
&you nodded, even though you knew that these were lies, bc it was important to stay on the adults good side.
bc the public herd mentality is not swayed by the magic that happens.. rather it is guided by talk shows &movie producers &TV commercials. 
jealousy is one of the occupations hazards of being a..
they made the first tiny crack in my prison wall. I was waiting for the kind of solution where God reaches down &touches you with his magic wand.. (lolol too much tv).
sometimes this human stuff is slimy &pathetic -jealously especially so
a writer is someone on whom nothing is lost -Henry James
i don't think we'll ever understand. (PRECISELY. suck it up buttercup).
"doesn't it smell wonderful?" like smelling delicious meal, looked off in space:"like moon."
trying 2save yer miserable O C head from being cannibalized by the cancer
someone has gotten inside your brain &really fucked you up. &you need to get well so you can see again. see that the grapes almost seem to glow, w a light dusting of some sort of
instead of being scared all the time, you detach,
you take in all you can, as a child would, w/o atmospheric smog of most grow up vision 
a big heart is both clunky &delicate thing; doesn't protect itself, doesn't hide. it stands out
one man has a beard &looks like a writer. the other seems like a normal person
once you ask God into your life, u think he's going to come into your house, look around, &see you need a new floor.. then you look out your window, &see a wrecking ball. God actually thinks whole foundation is shot &you're going to have to start over from scratch.
(all of a sudden I can't remember if we are allowed to use the word "abundance" in California anymore. I will have to get back to you on this). -oh my gosh lol 1995** !
toni Morrison: function of freedom is to free someone else. (freely you receive,freely u..)
editor: "you'd made mistake thinking everything that's happened to you is interesting."
some ppl thought.. but, what these think of me is none of my bizz. I wrote for 2 -soulfully
we write to expose the unexposed; to turn unspeakable into words, rhythm &blues.
at the center a feeling of otherness, of homesickness.. : God is your home.
you are going to have to give &give &give, or there's no reason for you to be writing.
gaping wounds, &dazed expressions; the world's an orphan's home. -marrianne m.
sophisticated innocence
killing deadness. Heaven knows trance=great deal more comfy &familiar than aliveness.
published /"acknowledged". 
whenever the world throws rose petals at you, which thrill &seduce the ego, beware.
"if you're not enough before the gold metal, you won't be enough with it" -coach
stoned on attention, then lost &derailed, needing a new fix every hour, or withdrawing 
"world can't give that serenity, the world can't give us peace." I hate that. "I know" good news is, by same token, the world can't take it away. <3
forgiving your childhood will give you ability to empathize
become conscious
it is spiritually invigorating, says a friend, who converted at 18 from Christianity to poetry
feeling of liberation that, ironically, discipline brings. (we live in backwards land).
wounds stop a lot of people early on who weren't able to get into life bc of pain. suffer !
lighthouses run all over; just stand there shining. (beautiful things don't ask for attention).