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don't read my diary when I'm gone.. when you wake up this morning, please ready my diary. look through my things and figure me out.
no amount of effort can save you from oblivion a band can't be a unit unless all the members are compatible. the first 7 years of my life were amazing, incredible, realistic &an absolute grateful joy. to be positive at all times is to not ignore all that is important, sacred or valuable. I forget to think &it becomes strictly observatory. (like watching a movie; all a psyop). "he needs dose of reality &2realize that he needs smtg to fall back on" -rents on artist *recipe on "quick oats in large bowl"* (LOL <3) a lot of naive just called her retarded bc she never talked. #label #judge #hate #dismiss only being stoned ..was what I claimed as "something I will do for the rest of my life." doh it turned out that didn't help me escape my troubles too well anymore. (need their bubble) decided next month I'll not sit on my roof &think about jumping, but I'll actually kill myself &wasn't going out of this world w/o actually knowing what it is like to get laid (#sexgod). &my playing seemed2b improving so, less maniacally depressed. (be busy don't think). I hated everyone for they were so phony. (but don't hate anyone, affects discernment). we get along great &have a lot of dedicated fun. (be so busy, you don't have to think). *traveling w band* "AT EVERY STOP YOU MUST CHECK 1.oil, 2.water, 3. air pressure, etc. no guests, groupies. every 400 miles there will be a cleanliness inspection &equipment #." *posting jobs for janitor* $4.50 /hour. (!!!) they're split down the middle between v sincere opinions &sarcastic I mean I like 2b passionate &sincere, but also like to have fun &act like a dork. geeks unite &if you wouldn't mind - I would like to lose. &if you wouldn't care, I would like to leave. &if you wouldn't mind, I would like to breathe. you could do anything a lady whom I feel a maternal love for cannot look me in the yes I see others just like me, why do they not try escape? (most don't want #healing). to take you - with me to - your eyes are blue I was your mind, you were mind, you would mind, you were mine. hairspray queen it hurts when I see you get you get you get you get to me. I remember painfully./// chuck recorded every day of his life. (present:don't think.naught). *woodstock* to the stoner world it was a big deal, but for me it was a joke. I stared at sky words suck. I mean, every thing has been said. I can't remember the last real interesting conversation I've had in a long time. words aren't as important as the energy derived from music, especially live. I've never gotten any good description from lyrics sheets. *bitchin about progressive rock* (he titles a rant). at peace am i. you're a good one I cracked it up way loud to see what kind of balls it had. sex is dirty. it is overrated. "don't want 2b touched after it's over," some1 said.. #intimacy oh I'm so proud of you, a triumphant victory for mankind. maybe there is hope. river will never dry up for it is fed by the mtns which will always be addicted to boredom. ("boredom" : he means simplicity. we are sold, against all evidence, stuff matters). I've decided to change. God I'm so sick of it all. I do not expect any1's sorrow for my death maybe relief if anything. (mind can b enemy) I felt so sorry for him that I must have felt this self destructive need to put up w his abuse willing to learn gave him ever popular standard teacher mark: "pleasure to have in class" the twist, over do it &have a fit.lysm makes me sick, she keep it pumpin straight to my <3 &if you save yerself u will think you're happy.&if u heal yourself, you will make Him happy wouldn't wanna fake it -if i had a soul. (can't fake it, when you have a soul. most r dead). you're the fog that keeps me clear I have to puke you out of me (he crossed it out but HAHA). maybe when I'm ready, we could try again I am threatened by ridicule I love my parents yet I disagree with merely everything they stand for. (understand nec?) I like drugs but my body &mind won't allow me to take them. I like innocence &things that are built well. I like &am grateful 4 the blue collar workers whose existence allows artists.. I like the comfort in knowing that.. (WE JUST LOVE TO FEEEEEEL comfortable #bots). every (fallen) individual's need for self importance, entertainment, &social rituals. verbal communication is exhausting I want to be the first to discover &discard before its popularity. have you ever felt like you cared so much that you wanted to kill your germs? #passion who will be the king &queen of the outcasts? (haha #JESUS). I've lost my mind many times, &my wallet many more. 13, going through the common prepubescent, hate your parents, feel weird around girls, I feel like I'm being evaluated 24 hours of the day. do love playing live, it's the most primal form of energy release you can share w some1, besides.. &we all need to let off steam. go to a show, dance around a bit &copulate . the second time we broke it off, sincerity was lost.... the 18th time we broke it off. I'm not like them, but I can pretend. I think I'm dumb, or maybe just happy. my heart is broke but I have some glue. help me inhale &mend it w/o you. ("not finished" he labels). I'm been told that an artist is in need of constant tragedy to full express their work, but I'm not an artist &when I say I am, in a song, that doesn't necessarily mean that person is me &it doesn't mean I'm just a storyteller. it means whoever or whatever you want. art is expression. control freaks in media who are the main offenders of destroying art. I have a lot to say, but I'll leave that to you. (BAHA). &wanting more cause you never know it it's ever going to come again. I purposely keep myself naive &away from earthly info bc it's only way to avoid jaded. <3 I was doing it long before anyone. I'll take all the blame. (HAHA) here I am inspired to write, only because I'm pissed. I don't feel as bitter as I want to be. so your parents suck? parents have always sucked. say anything just to have an opinion. (#silence is golden, people). I was so high that I scratched until I bled you're the reason I feel pain, it feels so good to feel again. (boy, sounds.. troubled, yes?) come as you are -as you were. as I want you to be . as a friend, as a friend, as an old enemy. take your time, hurry up. the choice is yours. don't be late. take a rest as a friend you said that I remind you of yourself tomorrow the finest day that I've ever had was when I learned to cry on command thanks to: unencouraging parents everywhere for giving children the will to show them up (lolol so resentful , "people" under demonic spell are. they do things to make ppl upset). I can't wait to be back at home (wherever that is). it's hard to decipher the difference between sincere entertainer &an honest swindler. everything's been said &done , &how come nothing has been solved &resolved? (<3) I am a notoriously fucked up addict; overtly sensitive, frail, who at any minute can OD. not gay though I wish I were, jus2 piss off homophobes. (lol "upset heteros" in their room) it's so relaxing to know that you're asking I wish there was someone I could ask for advice. someone who wouldn't make me feel like a creep for spilling my guts &trying to explain what's plagued me for oh, about 25y. I suffer from bad sleeping &eating habits. (YOU ARE A MACHINE). if you're so smart, then why are you mad? so I decided I feel like a junky as it is so I may as well be one. (OH BROTHER). I bought a gun but chose drugs instead. (ban drugs? why not?) I love you for what I am not /I did not want what I have got /this has nothing to do with what you think, if you ever think at all /use once &destroy /forgot what I look like to you 9 month media blackout -he'd recorded. how awesome. #goals boys write songs for girls -what a simple world. how the hell do I know what's on inside? such an easy thing, such a shiny ring. responsible enough to be pleasant to one another when our child is around us waste of time2 judge &who am I2 declare myself authority, certified 1 w right to critique? C, when I say ily I am not ashamed, nor will anyone ever ever come close to intimidating, persuading, etc me into thinking otherwise. I wear you on my sleeve. I spread you out wide open w wing span of peacock. I parade you around proudly like the ring on my finger
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blessed beyond all measure
if you can keep your head , when all about you are losing theirs &blaming.. trust yourself when all men doubt, but make allowance for their doubting too; if you can wait ¬ be tired of waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated, don't give way to hating, &yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise. if you can dream -¬ make dreams your master; think -¬ make thoughts your aim; if you can meet w Triumph &Diaster, &treat those 2 imposters just the same; if you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap fro fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken. &stoop &build em up w worn -out tools. if you can make 1 heap of all your winnings &risk it on 1 turn of pitch &toss, &lose, &start again at your beginnings, &never breathe a word about your loss.. if you can talk w crowds &keep your virtue, or walk w Kings -nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you. if all men count w you, but none too much.. Yours is the Earth &everything that's in it, &-which is more -you'll be a Man, my son!
-father's advice to son; Kipling 
"don't look at ME"
"in order2be able2think you have2risk being offensive."JBP
i am no bird; &no net ensnares me. -charlotte bronte
D.E.A.R. "never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -in nothing, great or small, large or petty -never give in except to convictions of honor &good sense." -w. churchill. 10/28/41
2013
i am not afraid of storms, for i am learning how to sail my ship. -louisa may alcott
nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. persistence &determination alone are omnipotent. -calvin coolidge i am not an extraordinary man, &i am quite ordinary. but God chose me for something quite extraordinary. -a. valladares receives '16 canterbury medal.
not failure, but low aim, is crime -james russell lowell
a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus -mlk jr. (you are all leaders .#experts) it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust &sweat &blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again &again because there is no effort without error &shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best knows in the end the trump of high achievement, &who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold &timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. -theodore roosevelt 
loving comes natural to me /
fave animal?
2009
we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -aristotle
no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -eleanor roosevelt 
89-johnstown-flood / fragile world
a dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.-gk c.
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