his daily journal.. 642 days
control was something I'd lost a long time ago. my mind would talk to me the whole time
I wasn't really doing anything wrong &it was just for fun &blah, blah, blah ("freedom")
i'm being held captive by some insatiable monster that will not let me stop. all my values, beliefs, everything I care about, they all go away moment.. there is a sort of insanity that takes over. I convince myself &believe v strongly.. tell myself I can go back to casual use.
I mean, I've got it all figured out. rly. (lol..we're not really making "decisions" at all, we r spirits led by good /evil. #unlearn #fallenearth #"backwards" #corrected). there's smtg devastating about that, doe I try not to think about it. I mean, I'm here, but not feeling it.
my lil sis never failed to point out the delicate flowers or intricately shaped stones as went on walks together. she was so present &filled with wonder. #kidz (childlike joy)
he talked about how until he started.., he had always felt like some alien, diff from every1. "I felt like everyone else had gotten this instruction manual.." (#fam,ily /foundation)
I was just experimenting, rite? (ha. jus a lil gossip /evil. but, we want all the sugar !!!).
more I used, mo' I did things was ashamed of; more I had to go, so I never had 2face that
(thinking comes with a lot of shame, fear, bitterness, bc you're always judging /yourself).
last thing I ever wanted to take from her &yet, well, I did it. that's always how it goes for me, isn't it? (#slave *money from his mom* *dignity from self*)
&there was this sadness inside me -this hopelessness. focusing on my physical appearance was a least easier than trying to address the internal (mess). I could control the external -at least, to a point. i could buy diff clothes, or cut my hair, or w/e. the pit opening up inside me was too frightening to even look at.. I'm powerless to it (#slave).
so what if there's some1up there (in charge)? let's just keep telling me it's all in our minds
it feels like I mean it, but you can never be sure. smoking cigs, jus forcin myself 2be quiet
still, for all the therapy I had, none of it ever really fixed that feeling of torn apartness inside of me. I learned how to express myself that was all. &for whatever reason, identifying the root cause of my problem -like fear of abandonment or something -didn't change a gosh darn thing.. I could see quite clearly why I acted a certain way, but that wouldn't make me any different.. that couldn't take this away.
I cry at how good my life is -or at least, that's what I think at the time.
there could be a new war going on &I'd have no idea. but, this is the life I want to live, right? I mean, I'm happier. (happy is corny /based on things.. now, contentedness?swag).
&cause no one's looking, I cry a little. there are different ppl battling inside me. (#hell)
after this (things) &that (highs), I kinda blot out the doubts for a while.
I try not to think about it, but you know how that goes. (problem keeps calling.. #God)
I guess I'm still that confused little boy, or is that too simple? (no ! yes !)
asking for money is a proclamation of your own unfitness for survival. it's saying "I'm the weak one of the herd." or worse, a parasite that feeds on society. trying to meet a person's eyes. tricking &begging -that's what's left for me. I'm so gosh darn worn out.
I need a thousand pounds.. I need to drown myself in serotonin. or maybe -maybe - I just need to get sober. my head keeps going around like this. (LOL but like, </3 too).
I think about the possibility of me again.. it feels impossible again. can't shake away fear
I try to remember -was I happy b4 this? it won't let me think, it tries to tell me I wasn't. maybe that's the truth. (WHO IS IT? a demonic spirit)
everything is heightened, but sickeningly so. I can't tell what is real &what isn't
what I do -I pray from somewhere deep inside me. pray out loud 2God I don't believe in. the words just start coming out. pray w sincerity for 1st time. am desperate. &so I cry &ask God 4help. no flash of light, burning bush, nothing. *calls /goes home* throughout all this, I'm praying. like the voice in my head, the running monologue; has switched over to thoughts of prayer. pls help me -be w me. jus keep repeating it over &over. (YES)
I have to believe that is true.. *later* his voice is irritatingly joyful. (LOL). begin unlearning..
I just hadn't been willing to fight through difficult moments w faith that it would get better
you've got nothing else, man. I pray -I just keep praying. I forget how bad things can get..
I always seem to forget why I needed.. my disease of amnesia.
can't help feeling I'm jus not cool anymore.. a loser, living so simply. (lol #brainwash #tx)
"living is easy w eyes closed." want to.. so badly. (b careful little eyes what you see.. !)
that's the disease talking. wants to isolate you, to get you alone so it can kill you.
cray how fast moods change. my head sorta hurts physically from battle going on there.
it's not like I enjoy being so selfish &self absorbed.
I ask God 2b w me, 2help me hear. I repeat that over &over. it does seem 2help, rly. #gah
it's like I need to kill my body with exercise in order to be calm enough to function
praying helps, tho I can't get thoughts to slow down &stop torturing me w my past. i've come to rely on prayer, ..sun's still up &da heat stifles me to my v core. wish it would rain
all I feel is grateful that I don't have to be so fake &clouded by that (mess).
///freedom from bondage /self. "one day at a time" philosophy /one moment, ABpraying
I was transported into another life, another reality, another character.
I've always thought my mom was beautiful. I don't know, maybe every kid does
falling asleep only after I am so tired that I'm literally nodding out at the keyboard.
my dad &new wife did everything they could to keep their kids protected from all I was exposed to.. I was never my age. I felt so inadequate being trapped in my small, pre body. still not comfortable with my gosh darn self. I don't know if I'll ever be
my mind going nonstop. y did I look at them? y was my 1st response 2seek their approval
why do I always want to become this unfeeling monster, fueled by whatever I can find?
we don't talk about it, but it happens instantly &naturally. I want to sew her to me.
everything I saw seems so clever &I hold the entire audience at complete attention.
stomach pain isn't really anything new for me. growing up, between dad &mom's houses,
the guilt &shame r jus 2unbearable. d even like feeling it gives me. it's actually kinda scary
honestly, I'm so ashamed around them that I have no choice but to yell angrily. (defense)
it's a relief not to have to lie for once. #freedom #lookyouintheeye/soulsaresame
I have this feeling, like I just wish I didn't have to exist. idk who I am. "pls, just let me die."
"right now, you're like a little baby, just learning how to crawl. or maybe even back further, learning to hold your head up. you wouldn't ask a newborn to run a marathon, would u?"
don't you want to be able to really live again (childhood)? idk I answer, &that's the truth. I guess I do, but Im not sure where this clarity comes from. it hits me miraculously.
the cold is so deep inside me, I snarl at any1 who tries to talk to me. he was just gentle
I'm afraid to hope again. decided to try &that is a big step
but underneath that, I can see now, was a deep seated feeling of worthlessness.
really feeling this stuff &memories are jarred loose I'd kept hidden.. the body traps memories of trauma within it. I shake like an animal who escaped from a predator. &sing
he manages to make everything we've been through seem less shameful. helps us love
I have to learn how to really care about myself in order to stay sober /free /present.
people who can't , are the ones who are constitutionally incapable of being honest w self
to discover truths about myself, have helped to move through them; mind isn't so scary
my relationship w .. is 1 aspect of my life haven't completely given over.. still protecting..
I realize suddenly very clearly that loving the world, is like loving a black hole. I'm not saying I'm willing to act on that yet, but it is an awareness that I want to share to core.
not changing, but reconnecting w who I really am. someone who has been lost to me for a long time. I am separating from the past life. (holy : set apart).
I have to look@ the ground. ("bod lang" /can't escape God <3)feel so sry -so full of regret
I've had to close myself off to you so I can survive. (freedom, within boundaries)
come 2understand : there's a disease &in flesh, I have addiction to sickness
I want to just collapse I'm feeling so much right now. &what I come to value : simplicity.
if you can , keep your head when all about you are losing theirs &blaming.. trust yourself when all men doubt, but make allowance for their doubting too; if you can wait ¬ be tired of waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated, don't give way to hating, &yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise. if you can dream -¬ make dreams your master; think -¬ make thoughts your aim; if you can meet w Triumph &Diaster, &treat those 2 imposters just the same; if you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap fro fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken. &stoop &build em up w worn -out tools. if you can make 1 heap of all your winnings &risk it on 1 turn of pitch &toss, &lose, &start again at your beginnings, &never breathe a word about your loss.. if you can talk w crowds &keep your virtue, or walk w Kings -nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you. if all men count w you, but none too much.. Yours is the Earth &everything that's in it, &-which is more -you'll be a Man, my son!
-father's advice to son; Kipling
"in order2be able2think you have2risk being offensive."JBP
i am no bird; &no net ensnares me. -charlotte bronte
"never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -in nothing, great or small, large or petty -never give in except to convictions of honor &good sense." -w. churchill. 10/28/41
i am not afraid of storms, for i am learning how to sail my ship. -louisa may alcott
nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. persistence &determination alone are omnipotent.
i am not an extraordinary man, &i am quite ordinary. but God chose me for something quite extraordinary. -a. valladares receives '16 canterbury medal.
not failure, but low aim, is crime -james russell lowell
a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus -mlk jr. (you are all leaders .#experts)
it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust &sweat &blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again &again because there is no effort without error &shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best knows in the end the trump of high achievement, &who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold &timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. -theodore roosevelt
we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -aristotle
no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -eleanor roosevelt
a dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.-gk c.