very early on in my life, it was too late. Marguerite duras. (the lover) -we c what we want
happiness=ongoing battle, wonder if worth it, I wish I knew what was wrong. (everything!)
what I'm looking for is not smtg I can articulate. nonverbal: love. 4brain 2shut off, <3 on.
I can be a good sport ..when I'm clean &clear of clutter of reason &rationality.
I want to deal w the problem &make it better or I want to die right now.
thought=momentarily comforting.(thoughts=lies.God doesn't talk 24/7like s;He=indelible)
lure me into a life of nihilism (nothing matters).
taking drugs breeds taking more drugs. (the flesh can never be satisfied).
depression is like a cancer: thing your body's produced, over the years. you live dead
mind : u are never allowed to forget your mistake. (hell ! punishment ! judgement ! hate !)
I really believe had either of them had any strong convictions or values to pass on to me..
the Middle East, where the war zones are mostly outside the home. (wow)
I always forget about all these ppl &say, I'm the only one. (devil /world needs u isolated).
all this info = no more outstanding than.. (know =poison.no help. actually, frustrating !).
it sold well in California. (HA).
you see, until I really cracked, at 10 or 11 or 12, you would describe me as full of promise
but then I never had to worry (thoughts) about a crash landing, bc I never even took off.
the dead girl, Melanie T: it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in 1st place
I can't imagine that we're actually accomplishing anything in these sessions. (info <spirit)
I would fantasize about going back to the person I had always been. (dramatic cry emoji)
wanting to see if it hurt the way a real broken heart could hurt. pleased to find it didn't <3
I've insulted this nice man with my indifference
do feel sorry for all the nice ppl whose efforts are wasted on me. (Creator shaped hole).
waiting for some soul to fill them up. (her 'rents gave up /divorced).
but now I have an entire secret life that my mother either doesn't k /doesn't want to k.
but they don't know how enormous my need is.. because I hate them for not knowing.
&I was starting to want to know the worst, I wanted to know how bad it could get. (spiral)
there was nothing we could do to make each other feeeeeeel better.
was afraid to abandon parental responsibility I felt for her (kids of single moms..). #evil
if only I had a thin gauze to shield me from everything I saw. (WISDOM peeks through).
I end up attracting older guys who are used to women who aren't bright &cheery. (adults).
&still I am capable of such crazy lust. (slaves in flesh /hostile to God good).
2rescue her from suicide.any1 might care enough2keep me alive? ofc, tis the thing to do !
girl is totally crazy; she decided to die when there's love 4her here. (how many likes till??)
"every1 likes u fine just the way u r," she says, bc that's what ppl say in these situations.
mr field's daughter: "when I think of all the things he did bc he loved me." love kills chapter
I found myself wishing for a real ailment,
depression was the loneliest thing on Earth. (intentionally).
I'd tell my mom that I hated my dad, which seemed to satisfy her for a little while. #evil
rather than trying to do what was right in a wrong situation, they did what came naturally.
all my waking &sleeping energy was devoted to missing my rather minimal, stable home.
I wanted to kill my parents for doing this to me; I was the best little girl . </3 #forgive
#homesickness is just a state of mind for me.. my life has been 1 long longing.
noises in my head. (must guard heart. block sites, don't watch shows that trigger spirit).
no one ever questioned anything I did.
still waiting 4 my perfect daddy to emerge &rescue me. space filled w nothing but longing
completely wrapped up in a person that didn't k me at all (mom), like claustrophobe who chose 2live in small dark cave, trying 2whip fear. (instead of demanding to get out: Dad).
world: could you maybe write a letter to the judge about what a lousy dad he was ? #evil !
w Z around, I suddenly felt so shielded; yet another version of salvation.
all these things my mom is good for that my father isn't.. if only they could work out their differences, I could have 2 whole parents. (dramatic crying emoji. evil !)
I need immediate relief. (fax. stop thinking !!! silence, watch thoughts come &go &laugh).
I knew I would find another way to pretend, just for a little while; I always did.
got to be away from myself for a lil while. was never long enough. always wished 4more.
maybe I thought it was what I was supposed to do. (college =partying).
harvard /cambridge; not glamorous sophisticates , but bunch of hormones on legs.
nothing is as it should be
how nice it would be if my prob were drugs, if it weren't my life &how little relief drugs..
hated the way you were so dependent on me, never got to be a kid. so much pressure
u see, I remember me, even if no one else can.. I wanted to be a kid, but I was a lil adult.
but I suppose when you're this lousy, words are all you've got left.
saying that it's some1 else's responsibility 2help me out, when u r the only 1 able2. (Dad)
trials of the menendez brothers: anytime your kids kill you, you are at least party to blame
how many x a day did death fantasies creep? so many x I had planned my own funeral. :(
what's just talk one day, may become a real activity the next.
you're grown extremely detached over the years, as a defense mechanism. (&?)
a lot of good knowing did. we live in a world gone wrong.
my weeks were too packed for me to notice my emotional state at all. (YES KWEEN).
what I wouldn't do to be less.
&even though I burst into tears no1 asked what was wrong. guess they all felt that it was somehow none of bizz. (dramatic cry emoji. I always ask why a girl's crying lol.i want2k !).
every guy I fall for becomes Jesus Christ within the first 24 hours of our relationship.
I would have no life until I knew how to actually live one. (PARENTS FAILED HER, again).
all I was doing here was passing through. (YES. CHILL).
no1told her what was wrong w her. staring at pink walls, taking pink pills. &all these blues
human being can survive anything, long as she sees end in sight.fog =cage w/o key. SEE
you don't need an excuse to be depressed, you just are.
I really d feel like I have a right 2b so miserable. (U K TRUTH, Y'ALL. uve become a liar).
was forced to withdraw into depression bc it was only rightful protest I could throw in face of world that said it was all right 4ppl 2come &go. if 1 can be a father &assume no obligations, it follows that 1 can be an acquaintance.. there is no code of conduct they must adhere to. (free will). what do u expect? in world where core social unit -family -is so dispensable, how much can anything else mean? (freedom in rules #truelove).
besides I already had a crush who was whole reason I was taking this ridic class. #girls
God have mercy on the man who doubts what he's sure of. -Bruce S., brilliant disguise .
I always carry lots of stuff w me wherever I roam; my worldly goods; little sense of home
I am calling her w sole hope that her maternal stability will seep through fiber optic lines
what state of desperation would I have2achieve b4 she'd realize the way she's carrying on is killing me. (mother /daughter relationships. #women !!! )
I still hated him for letting me be this way
does she think I couldn't make these connections on my own? (therapy)
that even 4 minutes of feeling the way I do now is too long.
I can't believe he wasn't up all night waiting, the way I would have. but I am crazy &he isn't
I myself am hell. -Robert Lowell. "skunk hour" (SMTG IS WRONG PPL, WAKE UP, or die).
not that I even aspire to happiness anymore. (RELIEF).
he proves that 1 man can make a difference
wish some1 would knock me out 4a long time, bc not even an issue 4therapy anymore.
as sick as I, cannot possibly be rescued through power of anyone's love. (only, the One).
forced to behave; I behaved. forced to cope, I coped. #survival
turned not into just an awareness of the darkness, but a morbid obsession w it. (slave).
everything kind of slides by A: honestly believe that when rain falls, it never lands on him.
I know I couldn't be any worse off, than I think I am
(mother) hated way our emotional states were so symbiotic, moods mutually dependent.
listen to any unhappy person tell his tale of woe, &it sounds like every other tale of woe.
terrible fallacy: if ppl would just say how they felt, a lot of problems would be solved.
the concept of who asked you doesn't exist in my family. because concept of individuals doesn't exist. her mother does it, her cousins, aunts. meshed 2gether, reflections of each.
everything I'd read stressed: sit w feelings. well, fuck that. I couldn't bear it. I wanted out.
I really can't save your soul, so tell me what the next best thing is.
"coulda been a contender" (devil speak..y God give devil access2 mind? idc.. I trust/<3 u).
when I need 2escape, shocking what hidden reserves of strength I find 2undertake task.
my God, I could raise a family of 6 children.. with all the energy I expend on depression.
being w some1 in mind, like watching film you think is great, spiritually uplifting, &you're w some1 in film school, or who is prof film critic. (LOL).JOY <analyzing.#live. be, human
I didn't even come across as sad any longer, just obnoxious. (seriously. a drain).
Dear God, (she wrote /finally surrender),pls send me a miracle that gets me out of this.
can't imagine what it's like to live; so carefree things that most consider annoying -getting lost -become some kind of fun diversion. leave it2 N in all his ease &luxury, to find delight in the annoying. it is simply amazing to him that all my sorrow can't be cured by a BMW.
his inability to understand : a flaw that makes it impossible for me to see his virtues.
but by not understanding, &being here; kinder :giving his care unconditionally. I can't see
rock bottom is a failure of vision. (they -the world -wants to keep you in fog).
I am not equipped w any emotional resilience. &now I don't want it anymore.
madness =2glam a term (words) 2convey what happens 2most losing their minds. (#sin)
atypically depressed :walking wounded, who r almost constantly embroiled in thoughts.
I am in no position to this kind of critical thinking. (as a zombie)
(mother) never remarried; I'm all she has, &I'm falling apart rn. I feel suffocated &helpless; I am not strong enough to handle this; wishing I had siblings.. feel like her mtn, but I'm to avalanche. my mother as helpless as an infant herself. (evil !)
it takes a lot of energy to be depressed &even more energy to get better.
I feel lousy &there's nothing wrong w me &I have no excuse. no right to be depressed.
really if I wanted to, I could snap out of this. "think of pretty things" chapter
psych : assumes insight alone is a transformative force. (all about the spirit, your heart).
you can tell yourself this knowledge will make all the difference, but in all likelihood, you're going to keep on doing same old things. (we r spirits led by good or evil.real talk).
I want an angel 2swoop down 2me like he does 2Jimmy Stewart &talk me out of suicide.
I tell myself I really want2die, &never occurs 2me til last moment, really want 2b saved.
anne sexton has poem ("wanting to die") in which she says that urge to kill self is with her always, even when she has nothing ag life, bc it's not about having a reason: mind, like a carpenters knowing which tools /why build; wants 2know things it can't.
was about to say full of promise, those unbearable words, those lying, cheating words
I will always like doing.. all such simple stuff, but it matters the most.
in a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression. I thought it was all I had.
was hard2formulate way o being/thinking where starting pt wasn't depression.addiction
nothing that extraordinary, but when you're 4, it's cats &dogs that make life worth living. &I kind of think it's maybe not so different now. ($1.3B on prozac prescriptions in 1993).
mental health is so much more complicated than any pill that any moral could invent.
every person who experienced depression has own sad, awful tale to live through. Kurt Cobain will never get that far.every day, I thank God that I did. (July 1986 -may 1994).
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if you can , keep your head when all about you are losing theirs &blaming.. trust yourself when all men doubt, but make allowance for their doubting too; if you can wait ¬ be tired of waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated, don't give way to hating, &yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise. if you can dream -¬ make dreams your master; think -¬ make thoughts your aim; if you can meet w Triumph &Diaster, &treat those 2 imposters just the same; if you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap fro fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken. &stoop &build em up w worn -out tools. if you can make 1 heap of all your winnings &risk it on 1 turn of pitch &toss, &lose, &start again at your beginnings, &never breathe a word about your loss.. if you can talk w crowds &keep your virtue, or walk w Kings -nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you. if all men count w you, but none too much.. Yours is the Earth &everything that's in it, &-which is more -you'll be a Man, my son!
-father's advice to son; Kipling
"in order2be able2think you have2risk being offensive."JBP
i am no bird; &no net ensnares me. -charlotte bronte
"never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -in nothing, great or small, large or petty -never give in except to convictions of honor &good sense." -w. churchill. 10/28/41
i am not afraid of storms, for i am learning how to sail my ship. -louisa may alcott
nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. persistence &determination alone are omnipotent.
i am not an extraordinary man, &i am quite ordinary. but God chose me for something quite extraordinary. -a. valladares receives '16 canterbury medal.
not failure, but low aim, is crime -james russell lowell
a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus -mlk jr. (you are all leaders .#experts)
it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust &sweat &blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again &again because there is no effort without error &shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best knows in the end the trump of high achievement, &who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold &timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. -theodore roosevelt
we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -aristotle
no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -eleanor roosevelt
a dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.-gk c.