."life lived on impulse,4pleasure." -review. degenerate enslavement is cool in fake world
you never knew if anything he said was true.
by now there was no male figure in my life to rein in any of this antisocial behavior
I was just euphoric he was there.
since kids can be evil &torment anyone who's in any way different, special students took a beating every recess &lunchtime, I became their self imposed protector.
felt like medicine 2soothe the soul &awaken senses. (he was 12). destined 2misbehave..
remember him teaching me that only unacceptable thing was to tell a lie.
he instantly became my hero, so everything I could do to bolster the solidarity between us was my mission. ( to be loved , 2be loved , to be loved . 2be known /God shaped hole).
all this taking an emo toll on me.. I was alone a lot &starting 2create my own world. I had to be a guy in his own private bubble. I didn't mind it, since I had this space to pretend in.. but, I would scold kitten, for no reason other than to exert power over him. #anycontrol.
every AM, I'd walk through the house &survey the damage. looked like a battlefield.
students would write4 5m &stop, but I coulda written away whole class time (&I did). teach: "u should continue 2write." that was bell that wouldn't stop ringing 4 rest of my life.
so why didn't she wear the glasses? "I really do prefer the world unclear," she said. :)
getting drunk wasn't preferred, but exciting 2feel u didn't know what was going to happen. (like, life is overwhelming sometimes,
how I saw my life: on these journeys unknown to places in mind, &in physical realm, didn't
*high* just tripping on the shimmer &sparkle of the water &dolphins, &the waves. #LIFE
I was pretty willing to do whatever came my way. I was in a dream, &I loved it.
once again, befriended loneliest, mos unwanted school kids. instant connection 2weirdo
he had a sense of self &a calm about him that were just riveting. def didn't lose interest
doesn't take that much provoking to get you to a place where you can't stop yourself.
madmen who pay more attention to their own world than outside world (#addict lib?)
instinctively knew miracle or manipulating energy &tapping into infinite source of power &harnessing it in a small space was what I was put on this earth to do. #creator #create
like clockwork, 24 hours would not pass without that girl falling under the spell.
kind of girl I liked - weirdo in bunch. LA ppl try to be diff, she was natural born superfreak
J hated me when I .. I would disappear ¬ be the most warm &reachable person.
but that initial high is feeling you're doomed to chase for rest of life. (#rat #cheese). at 1st, it showed you heaven, it didn't show you the hell. I'd miss a show, bc I was on the run
2take something diff &original &recognize it's worth &introduce it 2the world. *record co*
it isn't fun anymore, but it's still desperately exciting. learn to love chase /fear /death.
had that capacity 2allow ppl 2go past barriers of their comfort zone w how much they wanted to reveal. I set up those cutoff barriers all the time w my close friends, always reserving 25% in mystery zone. he also had capacity 4forgiveness, he'd never hold ag you
I turned my brain off. I stopped hating &started just being. my whole life spent as most defensive person you'd meet, unable 2tolerate any criticism. but now, listening /being.
to have that ego &to think you were impenetrable &impervious to forces of nature &life
wasn't that he was chameleon by nature, he jus wouldn't show off all his colors round us
if you see me getting mighty, see me getting high, knock me down, not bigger than life
at a new time in my life when I was vulnerable &needing to locate my confidence.
he'd not do what I want him 2.my huge mistake:wanting every1 2react same way. (boring fear). if flea just behaved this way .. but that was a recipe for misery &ruin.
when you're at odds with yourself, it's hard to create. wouldn't choose to be happy.
J was tolerant, &it did speak well of her character: not type 2abandon ship during crisis
"wake up, bc you dying."those horribly vivid half awake /sleep dreams. (bible God dreams)
she didn't care, she wanted to be loved. #women #theirrole #receiver
minute corporate suits said "no kiss," was the minute I started saying "nope, kiss stays."
L would go out of way to be there for you as defense mechanism, to avoid his own life.
for a kid like me, who had always been watching after Mom, S entering pic =huge relief.
never understood just how sensitive he was &how hurtful I was capable of being.
r rubin describes sarcasm: "incredibly detrimental form of humor that depresses spirit."
we were emotionally retarded, &that was best we could do at the time. (2004copyright).
never had chance 2grow out of childish behavior. deserved trouble my girl was giving me
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if you can , keep your head when all about you are losing theirs &blaming.. trust yourself when all men doubt, but make allowance for their doubting too; if you can wait ¬ be tired of waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated, don't give way to hating, &yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise. if you can dream -¬ make dreams your master; think -¬ make thoughts your aim; if you can meet w Triumph &Diaster, &treat those 2 imposters just the same; if you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap fro fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken. &stoop &build em up w worn -out tools. if you can make 1 heap of all your winnings &risk it on 1 turn of pitch &toss, &lose, &start again at your beginnings, &never breathe a word about your loss.. if you can talk w crowds &keep your virtue, or walk w Kings -nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you. if all men count w you, but none too much.. Yours is the Earth &everything that's in it, &-which is more -you'll be a Man, my son!
-father's advice to son; Kipling
"in order2be able2think you have2risk being offensive."JBP
i am no bird; &no net ensnares me. -charlotte bronte
"never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -in nothing, great or small, large or petty -never give in except to convictions of honor &good sense." -w. churchill. 10/28/41
i am not afraid of storms, for i am learning how to sail my ship. -louisa may alcott
nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. persistence &determination alone are omnipotent.
i am not an extraordinary man, &i am quite ordinary. but God chose me for something quite extraordinary. -a. valladares receives '16 canterbury medal.
not failure, but low aim, is crime -james russell lowell
a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus -mlk jr. (you are all leaders .#experts)
it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust &sweat &blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again &again because there is no effort without error &shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best knows in the end the trump of high achievement, &who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold &timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. -theodore roosevelt
we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -aristotle
no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -eleanor roosevelt
a dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.-gk c.