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last page in book: (you know those ads): "calling all teen readers." they must demoralize you early on, so they got you for life. GET OUT YOUR MIND. you are a slave, homie.
the book isn't fact; it isn't even fiction. but it's all true, every word. g was the most bored person she knew. sitting in class sometimes she felt dizzy with it, that she'd pop or faint or something if it didn't stop. she felt she'd do anything for a life. someone ought to give parents lessons before they allow them to breed, but I might have done it anyway -for me, for him. (led by either good or evil spirits) he did but I didn't let him see that. he was smiling too. I could hear his face stretching even over the phone he's the sort of person you'd pick to be in love with so tight, not just holding me, he's holding onto me, like I'm stopping him from falling off. gemma gets so excited by things. I love her but suspect she is a closeted communist. I told her everything. everything -too much. feeling depressed, I was thinking a lot I love yellow, the color of sunlight. when all this is over &I get myself sorted out, I want to go to art college. I want to be a painter or a designer. I really think I'm good enough. you don't know my mom, she can make you do anything (wicked spirit in women). his entire face changed, it beamed at me. that made me feel good, I like feeling good. that if you didn't hold his hand he'd get crushed in the stampede. I'm fat &permanently short of breath, but at least I'm not a hypocrite. they like to belong to the underworld, but most of the crooks I know work for a living. it's wise not to know too much, my friend. (GUARD YOUR HEART/ v influenced in bod) after I'd said it I got all bothered bc they were all so straight &here I was telling stupid lies she was always telling me how she didn't know how she'd cope without me. she made a real fuss of me.. I liked it. it would have worked but.. I knew she was just using me. I hate my mom more than my dad because my dad only scares me but my mom makes me feel dirty &useless. she always does it. she can make me do anything, she used to do it for fun sometimes, just to amuse herself. my mum was showing off. my family doesn't hug too much, sort of like it was medicine they were giving me. didn't matter how many I broke -mine, theirs, anyone. in my mind I was gone already then when I was about twelve I noticed people watching me you can see everything on Tar's face. he was willing to try anything long as it kept coming I was obviously supposed to be charmed but I wasn't. smiling all time, just to herself &good time she having. was as if she was in completely diff uni than anyone else. she was diff from everyone. everyone was watching her but it wasn't just bc.. she had the power. people were talking about this &that, but they were all just pretending. sneak glances of her from corner of eyes. she was more herself than anyone else ever. she seemed to know everything about me already. she only had to touch me &I'd cry. she was sharing her magic with me. "you don't have to be like anyone." she was more real than anyone I'd ever met. "candles are magic, I collect magic." when all the time he could have gone out &helped himself *compares owning a bookstore to "owning the sky or something"* <3 (truth sets you free) those women @the checkout r so bored u could wheel out elephant &they wouldn't notice sometimes feel like I'm kind of organ picked out of a living beast.. every twitch shows up; like having to confess all the time. everyone knows exactly what I'm feeling every second. another prop, another crutch ("what are you healing from") *describes a proper kiss as "about two minutes long"* sometimes maybe you need an experience. (some people need to learn the hard way). sometimes wonder how this planet keeps on sticking to my feet. they did everything they could to pin me down.. it's mind control, see. (LOL GRAVITY /fallen Earth). what a mess most people make of their lives. too scared to live, too scared to die. punishing him? I wasn't doing anything to him. I didn't have to. drugs are just part of life -pleasure, business, they bring you &take you down. they never tell you that; they just want to make sure you take the drugs they want you to. medication, they call it. thanks, I can prescribe for myself, I don't need no experts. you can just sit in a sewer all day &be soooo happy &feel soooo good. #mud #equality use needles? we got more sense than that.. but you sort of infect one another like that.. I need to get off my head (common theme : how to escape me. all thoughts are lies !!!) lily hates feeling bad. feeling bad is against her religion. (she serves herself). I don't have to run off to Asia to keep myself interesting, Richard. she's lost her whole personality to that poison &she thinks it makes her look cool chasing that dragon, chasing that hit, chasing that feel good feeling. always delighted about, I dunno, a flower, the stars out at night, was all wonderful to him half world is drugged up @birth. (LIFE IS WAR. GET OUT). the quiet was so intense (real) you can tell lily anything, but don't tell her she's doing her baby any harm... she knows. it's just smack makes it all distant. it doesn't matter, it's not real any more. tried to give up about 1/2 a dozen x, but I'd never been scared b4. you gotta take risks. she didn't have the heart, see. I don't think she knows what's true anymore. I was looking at something for the first time. all that time, I had a barrier between me &the world, like a fat cushion. like I (had)put self in mental hospital &was heavily sedated. no more decisions,what a relief, I don't have a life anymore. thank God for that. (amen) that's junk: you think, if you don't say the truth, it doesn't exist somehow. you fool yourself weak /not strong enough/ can't trust myself bc it's stronger than i. I have to remember.. her doctor has a lot to answer for. ("evil" "experts") I keep falling in love but it always makes me unhappy. addiction looked a bit self induced. but it was so sad, because it was being himself that he found so difficult to cope with you'll do whatever you have to do to get your next hit. you don't have any choice it's amazing how the stuff seeks you out. (the devil prowls around, seeking to destroy).
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blessed beyond all measure
if you can keep your head , when all about you are losing theirs &blaming.. trust yourself when all men doubt, but make allowance for their doubting too; if you can wait ¬ be tired of waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated, don't give way to hating, &yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise. if you can dream -¬ make dreams your master; think -¬ make thoughts your aim; if you can meet w Triumph &Diaster, &treat those 2 imposters just the same; if you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap fro fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken. &stoop &build em up w worn -out tools. if you can make 1 heap of all your winnings &risk it on 1 turn of pitch &toss, &lose, &start again at your beginnings, &never breathe a word about your loss.. if you can talk w crowds &keep your virtue, or walk w Kings -nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you. if all men count w you, but none too much.. Yours is the Earth &everything that's in it, &-which is more -you'll be a Man, my son!
-father's advice to son; Kipling 
"don't look at ME"
"in order2be able2think you have2risk being offensive."JBP
i am no bird; &no net ensnares me. -charlotte bronte
D.E.A.R. "never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -in nothing, great or small, large or petty -never give in except to convictions of honor &good sense." -w. churchill. 10/28/41
2013
i am not afraid of storms, for i am learning how to sail my ship. -louisa may alcott
nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. persistence &determination alone are omnipotent. -calvin coolidge i am not an extraordinary man, &i am quite ordinary. but God chose me for something quite extraordinary. -a. valladares receives '16 canterbury medal.
not failure, but low aim, is crime -james russell lowell
a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus -mlk jr. (you are all leaders .#experts) it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust &sweat &blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again &again because there is no effort without error &shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best knows in the end the trump of high achievement, &who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold &timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. -theodore roosevelt 
loving comes natural to me /
fave animal?
2009
we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -aristotle
no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -eleanor roosevelt 
89-johnstown-flood / fragile world
a dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.-gk c.
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