y S even bothers keeping track of her expectations. waiting 4 compensation /payback ?
then gives me a smile that's no smile at all. I don't always act on what I know
if I don't utterly love life, so what ? I don't know anyone who does. (suck it up).
I wanted her 2remember me strong. (control freak). in court of Laurel, I am condemned.
moments of revival, bc through my teen years I read avidly. (parents made me).
more than drugs, it's companionship I miss. acidheads don't care if a person can't speak
but I'm the king of control, so at merely moody I'm a success story
so I took what I came.. how long have I been repeating work already done ?
for this small consideration I'm immeasurably grateful
moments when my old 18y self is still practically within reach -as though all years since were no more than a blink. (time doesn't even exist). whole world as damaged as me.
for a few hours, I've succeeded in forgetting. idk enough to be sure.
one of S's tactics: to leave things unstated. in a perfect world, he gets what I'm getting at
I'm suddenly angry; 3y later, I'm angry. (drop your anger; that is hate).
I'm not speaking to him either, whether he realizes it or not. transformed by environment.
oh, once I got started I'd never shut up. (HAHAHA, everything IS meaningless).
children are disloyal, I guess, &you can't take it personally. (haha no mind !!!)
it's the futility, always, of being understood. (EVERYTHING else, meaningless).
I search for anything unruly to subdue. (enslaved zombies..) my longing deepens
I think childhood ought to be a person's happiest days. (where it begins !)
ordinarily, I get a shave w my haircut, just to prolong the interaction.
deep down, I'm an optimist. it's my most depressing characteristic. (LOL, no way !)
for some people any dialogue's better than none... indulge the fantasy.
but I let him look. it's been a long time since anyone looked closely at me.
life exists in moments of floating, of rising high to find joy &glory, not living earthbound
I suppose the inconsistent heart is childhood's great liberty (no other allegiances).
now from habit than desire (robots). &who on earth srsly understands how to change?
in school, before the bitterness set in. all that interests me is escape. not daring 2budge.
maybe Ib can read my mind, or maybe he's just a very nice boy.
I would have liked to deliver a eulogy for my dad, instead I did mushrooms before funeral
hovering in a pit between life &death. I did time there myself... damning every lull w words
truth is I have only a partial notion of what I'm doing (we are spirits led by good or evil).
he's as helpless with his family. sometimes I'd just had enough of voices
w just a nudge I could get v weepy. &ofc everyone's forgotten he made a great catch.
I do'nt remember how I lived before. (empty self to begin. know less).
I'm being drawn toward the tube of my own dark feelings. (demonic spirits).
everything feels counterfeit. everyone's fascinated by some aspect of the heavens.
I don't want to be seeing, I want to be living. (knowledge is poison, human BEING).
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if you can , keep your head when all about you are losing theirs &blaming.. trust yourself when all men doubt, but make allowance for their doubting too; if you can wait ¬ be tired of waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated, don't give way to hating, &yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise. if you can dream -¬ make dreams your master; think -¬ make thoughts your aim; if you can meet w Triumph &Diaster, &treat those 2 imposters just the same; if you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap fro fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken. &stoop &build em up w worn -out tools. if you can make 1 heap of all your winnings &risk it on 1 turn of pitch &toss, &lose, &start again at your beginnings, &never breathe a word about your loss.. if you can talk w crowds &keep your virtue, or walk w Kings -nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you. if all men count w you, but none too much.. Yours is the Earth &everything that's in it, &-which is more -you'll be a Man, my son!
-father's advice to son; Kipling
"in order2be able2think you have2risk being offensive."JBP
i am no bird; &no net ensnares me. -charlotte bronte
"never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -in nothing, great or small, large or petty -never give in except to convictions of honor &good sense." -w. churchill. 10/28/41
i am not afraid of storms, for i am learning how to sail my ship. -louisa may alcott
nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. persistence &determination alone are omnipotent.
i am not an extraordinary man, &i am quite ordinary. but God chose me for something quite extraordinary. -a. valladares receives '16 canterbury medal.
not failure, but low aim, is crime -james russell lowell
a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus -mlk jr. (you are all leaders .#experts)
it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust &sweat &blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again &again because there is no effort without error &shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best knows in the end the trump of high achievement, &who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold &timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. -theodore roosevelt
we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -aristotle
no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -eleanor roosevelt
a dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.-gk c.