I was pretty much ready to self destruct, good and proper; in this godforsaken place.
I was searching, Akira just helped me to find it.
I willed everything to be okay. I've spent my whole life running from myself.
2 lines.. it was like they almost looked evil to me.. like being in the presence of death.
but I can't deny it anymore. I know the truth. even if I still can't give her up.
felt open like child -full of wonder -innocent.. &was stuck with pain of living as self again.
one day at a time, hell one second at a time. I'm as good a bullshitter as anyone.
they say self hatred is a form of narcissism
we don't let ourselves feel any of it, bc we're loaded all the time.. sensitive to everything
I'm enjoying my life -sober. I cry about it. (<3333)
eventually finding work, most likely at a coffee shop or something terrible. (haha)
we kiss desperately, like we really need it
my heart is beating so hard I feel like I might be sick.
man, my will to live isn't all that strong in the first place
spending the night together, I mean it's just too much pressure
so what have I accomplished? survival. (life is the gift /everything).
I mean, how amazing would that be? to have the decision made for me by some act of fate. no more struggling. no more holding onto that stupid, tiny parasite of hope. (LOL).
everything's fallen apart, but I still don't have the common sense to just give up already.
I promised to phone her everyday -which I will, I mean, I want to.
man, I wish I could just stay right her forever -being swallowed by the sun
I want to be kept like a house cat.. I've got to participate in life, just like everyone else..
ofc, I know I can do it. I've been telling ppl what they wanna hear since I was 4 years old.
I agree cause I don't know how to say no, especially when I'm sober.
thinking, man. even that cat's got enough sense not to jump on a hot grill twice, no matter how good whatever's left cooking on there might look to her. but me? well, I figure I can outsmart that f-ing grill this time. (SPIRITUAL WARFARE IS IN YOUR MIND).
y can't it ever be enough? what is this pain in me that rips apart a beautiful day ? y is there restlessness that won't let me alone? ..figure out greatest challenge :being content.
is this really all there is -creating little tasks for myself to get me though the day -a schedule repeated in my head so I never forget &never have 2face a moment of stillness?
always been able to show ppl exactly what they want to see. I become w/e it is they want me to be.. every night is a performance; lying without thinking -a natural born whore.
wonder how much money it'll take to make me feel beautiful. the right offer will come. I'll fight to resist it, but it'll come just the same. &then I'll have another opportunity to show the world how weak I still am. I can't shake her I don't even try
"c'mon I know you party." I nod, even though I don't want it to be true anymore.
so I guess it makes sense that now I'm trying to stay clear of it, someone walks up &just stuffs it in my pocket. that really is the way this fucked up world works, isn't it? (yes).
but the coke will give me creativity I need to think up something really great. it'll help me see the truth. at least, that's what I keep telling myself. (amazing wisdom).
my mind refusing to listen to me -my mind repeating the same thing over &over
she's too scared &freaked out &damaged to recognize when someone's trying to help her.
there are tears now at the back of my eyes. &I wonder why I'm such a pussy. (lol :().
I was waiting for smtg to come change my life -you know, take me away from it all.
it's pathetic that at twenty four years old, still dk how to face reality without getting high.
I've been a liar as long as I can remember. everywhere's the same.
everyday I suffer from decisions I made &addiction that I allowed to get out of control.
me &the flies, operating from the same place of blind, insatiable hunger. (flesh)
maybe I wouldn't have had to waste all those years living as a fly.
if you can , keep your head when all about you are losing theirs &blaming.. trust yourself when all men doubt, but make allowance for their doubting too; if you can wait ¬ be tired of waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated, don't give way to hating, &yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise. if you can dream -¬ make dreams your master; think -¬ make thoughts your aim; if you can meet w Triumph &Diaster, &treat those 2 imposters just the same; if you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap fro fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken. &stoop &build em up w worn -out tools. if you can make 1 heap of all your winnings &risk it on 1 turn of pitch &toss, &lose, &start again at your beginnings, &never breathe a word about your loss.. if you can talk w crowds &keep your virtue, or walk w Kings -nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you. if all men count w you, but none too much.. Yours is the Earth &everything that's in it, &-which is more -you'll be a Man, my son!
-father's advice to son; Kipling
"in order2be able2think you have2risk being offensive."JBP
i am no bird; &no net ensnares me. -charlotte bronte
"never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -in nothing, great or small, large or petty -never give in except to convictions of honor &good sense." -w. churchill. 10/28/41
i am not afraid of storms, for i am learning how to sail my ship. -louisa may alcott
nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. persistence &determination alone are omnipotent.
i am not an extraordinary man, &i am quite ordinary. but God chose me for something quite extraordinary. -a. valladares receives '16 canterbury medal.
not failure, but low aim, is crime -james russell lowell
a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus -mlk jr. (you are all leaders .#experts)
it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust &sweat &blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again &again because there is no effort without error &shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best knows in the end the trump of high achievement, &who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold &timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. -theodore roosevelt
we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -aristotle
no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -eleanor roosevelt
a dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.-gk c.