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an ambitious overachiever &aspiring writer who hopped from 1 meaningless job to notha
so I let myself believe other things instead. to cure me of myself didn't think it would work, but they fell in love anyway hiking the PCT was my way back to the person I used to be. (HAHA common theme) the wanting was a wilderness &I had to find my own way out of the woods. to shake off the longing, to stop my mind from its hungry whit but we would never shoot it ! we said. absolutely not. then we shot it. (slippery slope). I'd think: this is not me. this is not the way I am. stop it, no more.. I get to waste my life. it was my burden tuber, of my v own ludicrous making, my mind was a . my body was its opposite. every part of my body hurt except my heart. I'm a free spirit who never had the balls to be free. ("you got me off the island, Luca.") inspired by Greg's faith in me, I didn't give quitting another thought. reliant upon the powers my very girlies granted me. thought of my youthful lack of humility made me nauseous now shrieking w a particular joy that had been denied us all our lives bc we'd never been loved some days I forbade myself to think about it, lest I go entirely insane when I had no roof I made audacity my roof . -Robert Pinsky, "samurai song" I felt a sick flutter in my gut as I attempted to discern, in a second, what his intentions r the music felt like sustenance to me, like food, like all things I'd once taken for granted it took the lou out of lou. lost in a spiral of bitter thoughts. to be able to hike /live, depended upon mind control: stout decision to move forward. my mind emptying into nothing but the effort to push my body through. (MACHINES). his damage has infected his life &it infected you. (who will break the cycle ? me). naive, ill fated love didn't say a word, for fear my words would make the feeling go away. feeling of ascension wasn't meta. literally felt as if I were always, impossibly, going up.<3 voice so pure I felt gutted. kindness w which it was given blunted the heat &tedium of day tell me, what is it you plan to do w your 1 wild &precious life? -Mary Oliver, "summer day" I tired to twist it around in my mind &make the loss rep something good. (POWER). feel which lasted length of song, at which pt it reversed &I realized I was a hideous beast being in their company felt like a holiday I'd reached point where if character in novels I read were eating, had 2skip over bc it hurt I said in an attempt to pacify him, hating myself for it. thing is, I never wanted it. finally come 2understand what it had been: yearning 4way out. he was nearly 4y younger than me &we were at an age when those nearly 4y mattered.
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blessed beyond all measure
if you can keep your head , when all about you are losing theirs &blaming.. trust yourself when all men doubt, but make allowance for their doubting too; if you can wait ¬ be tired of waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated, don't give way to hating, &yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise. if you can dream -¬ make dreams your master; think -¬ make thoughts your aim; if you can meet w Triumph &Diaster, &treat those 2 imposters just the same; if you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap fro fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken. &stoop &build em up w worn -out tools. if you can make 1 heap of all your winnings &risk it on 1 turn of pitch &toss, &lose, &start again at your beginnings, &never breathe a word about your loss.. if you can talk w crowds &keep your virtue, or walk w Kings -nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you. if all men count w you, but none too much.. Yours is the Earth &everything that's in it, &-which is more -you'll be a Man, my son!
-father's advice to son; Kipling 
"don't look at ME"
"in order2be able2think you have2risk being offensive."JBP
i am no bird; &no net ensnares me. -charlotte bronte
D.E.A.R. "never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -in nothing, great or small, large or petty -never give in except to convictions of honor &good sense." -w. churchill. 10/28/41
2013
i am not afraid of storms, for i am learning how to sail my ship. -louisa may alcott
nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. persistence &determination alone are omnipotent. -calvin coolidge i am not an extraordinary man, &i am quite ordinary. but God chose me for something quite extraordinary. -a. valladares receives '16 canterbury medal.
not failure, but low aim, is crime -james russell lowell
a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus -mlk jr. (you are all leaders .#experts) it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust &sweat &blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again &again because there is no effort without error &shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best knows in the end the trump of high achievement, &who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold &timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. -theodore roosevelt 
loving comes natural to me /
fave animal?
2009
we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -aristotle
no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -eleanor roosevelt 
89-johnstown-flood / fragile world
a dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.-gk c.
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